End of Your Career
by Witchy Willow 2.0
Summary: Some temptations are worth gambling everything on.
1. Part 1

Disclaimer: Not mine now nor has it ever been.

Author's Note: I had this plot bunny pestering me for quite a while. So when I got frustrated with LC, I decided to mess with it. For all my LC fans sorry and I'm revising it again. (And again, and again…)

I also tried my hand at 3rd person perspective – it is surprisingly difficult.

I love reviews if you have a moment to spare.

Lastly, and as always, I use a mixture of canon from the manga and both anime versions (minus the endings because that just doesn't for my fics at all). Then I take that canon and make up whatever the hell I want. Mostly, I'm happy if I'm sort of in character.

End of Your Career

The bustling noise of the waiting room was unable to distract Roy from his thoughts. No matter how much he tried to focus on the whiny cries of children or the obnoxiously loud woman arguing with the hospital staff, his mind was focused on a singular event.

He rubbed his tired eyes and shifted in his seat trying to find some comfortable spot on the worn wooden bench. You'd think being a General would have gotten him a better place to wait. No, that stubborn bastard Knox refused to give special treatment to _any_ military staff.

Roy laughed at himself.

_Stubborn Bastard_

He stopped himself from visibly sagging his shoulders in defeat. There was no doubt – everything circled back to this afternoon.

At 1315 hours when the prison alarm sounded.

Roy's staff was usually laid back when it came to official duties. He often allowed smoking, newspaper reading, and dog sitting during working hours. The prime reason behind this was to discourage anyone under his command to question _his_ lack luster efforts.

After all in for a penny; in for a pound.

And Roy's staff was tumbling into debt.

But when the Central Prison alarm sounded, Roy and his men – well one woman – were ready to respond including the "newest" edition to his staff, Edward "Ed" Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist. A fearsome, alchemist with limitless potential despite his small five foot frame.

There was no point in stating Ed's rank – Ed didn't care about it. Roy often wondered if Ed knew what his rank was, but that was what defined Ed. The military was based on strict rules and discipline. A system entirely dependent upon the issuing and acceptance of orders. No questions asked – only duties carried out. Ed took one look at the system and turned it on its head.

The required uniform? Ed refused to wear it. To support his blatant refusal, he claimed that he couldn't button up the shirt or jacket – his automail right hand wasn't that dexterous.

Obedience to rank? The only person Ed was _ever_ obedient to was a rather frightening woman named Izumi Curtis. She easily outdid Roy's scary subordinate Lieutenant Hawkeye in terms of sheer terror. According to both Elric brothers, Izumi once killed a bear with her bare hands and Roy believed it. Hell, he believed the slender, dark haired woman had probably ripped the bear's limbs off to make suitably sized portions for roasting.

The acceptance of orders? There wasn't an order in existence that Ed hadn't tried to bargain his way out of or escape from. And if both of those tactics failed, Ed rang up the price tag associated with the task before he did it. Roy often found himself blackmailing Ed just to get simple orders carried out. Either that or giving secrets to the boy Roy had held for years.

And lastly, Ed even denied conformity. In a military that was a sea of blues, Ed had arrived in a garish red coat. Even to this day, that ever present, blindly bright coat adorned Ed's shoulders.

All in all, Ed was the antithesis of all things military. But what made Ed "new" again to his staff was the gaping hole in Ed's service record. While Ed may have signed up for military service at the tender age of 12, around 16 years old Ed disappeared. Not literally of course, but his attendance was nonexistent. Once the coup against Fuhrer King Bradley was successful, Ed went in search of his ultimate goal – to retrieve both his younger brother, Al's, and his original body lost during the failed human transmutation of their mother. The smoke had barely cleared before Ed and Al, a seven foot tall suit of armor at the time, vanished.

Ed had effectively abandoned his military post without as much as a farewell. And yet, Roy continued to fill out excuse after excuse for Ed in writing for two years concealing the blonde's AWOL status.

Ed returned to the military with half-met success. Al was back in his original body, but Ed was not. That was all Ed would say about it. Roy hadn't pushed him further. The clear, unspoken answer was present in Ed's still too wide golden eyes – Ed couldn't do it. Ed never took defeat well and this fact had surely hurt him deeply.

And Roy had understood.

Ed had returned to work with a slightly different attitude. He was more willing to cooperate and his amazingly extensive vocabulary in cursing was curtailed. His handwriting was still illegible, but the content of the writing had improved greatly. He didn't have to come into the office every day, but called in regularly to give updates on his location.

On the days Ed came into the office, he had taken to sharing a desk with Master Sergeant Fuery. Since the majority of Ed's work required him to be away from the office as well as the Master Sergeant's duties, Roy never bothered to get Ed a desk. It would only take up precious space in the already too small office and the two got along well enough to share.

But this afternoon Ed was in the office.

Ed was there to hear the alarm instead of being safely tucked away in some forgotten portion of the library happily buried in a pile of books.

And just like everyone else, he had responded to the call for all personnel to recapture the prisoner, the former Clout Alchemist, Michael Hart. Nicknamed the "Bone Crusher" due to his ability to alter the density of objects. Roy had seen his work in action. People slowly crushed to death under their own weight – like a paperweight was dropped on them from somewhere up above.

Or perhaps a more apt comparison was an unseen shoe squashing a rather fat bug. The mess left behind was certainly similar.

But in a sick way, the military appreciated the mess. Psychological warfare was more deadly and the impact of a few key "crushed" individuals always made the necessary statement. No one wanted to die like that – hell, no one wanted to see that.

Except perhaps the Crusher.

Together the Crusher and the Crimson Alchemist wrought unending terror during the Ishbalan war. Not only by what they did, but by the simple fact that they enjoyed it. Where alchemists like Roy averted their eyes from the screams and, in Roy's case, the sight of burning flesh, the Crusher watched – no, stared in rapt fascination. A look of absolute pleasure crossing his hard features when the splatter flew far enough to dirty his uniform.

With such a danger running free once more, everyone was on edge. A false move meant death – severe injury if you were lucky. Roy ordered his men to search for the Crusher but not to advance. Any altercation with the Crusher would require the presence of a State Alchemist – it was the only chance anyone had against him.

The search went on for about 40 minutes before someone found the Crusher. And that someone was none other than Ed. The fight created a wild display of flashing light as Ed undoubtedly struggled with long-range, alchemical combat. The Crusher had a 50 yard kill-zone radius. Roy had warned Ed in advance not to get close to the Crusher since Ed's specialty had always been short-range, close combat. If Ed got too close... Roy feared even with Ed's unsurpassed abilities he wouldn't escape this time.

Roy had moved as fast as he could. The rising panic in his chest shortening his breath as the pacing between the flashes of light grew ever further apart. His fear demanding an answer from his nagging doubt, 'What if you aren't fast enough?'

What if you aren't there in time to save him?

What if he lost?

After all, Roy's specialty was long-range combat, making him a perfect opponent for the Crusher. One snap and a building 100s of yards away exploded. But Ed... Ed always, always closed in on his opponents.

When Roy reached the site, he saw the Crusher pinned down by an odd extension from a nearby building. Given the shape it was probably a hand with its fingers dug so deeply into the ground that only the barest hint of their knuckles was left.

Clearly Ed's work.

An overwhelming sense of relief flooded through Roy so fast, he was forced to his knees. The long ignored burning sensation in his lungs sending him into a fit of dry coughing. He surveyed the scene of broken buildings and remnants of failed or broken alchemical attempts to capture the Crusher searching for Ed's blazing red coat.

It took only a few seconds, but the feeling of time was lost to Roy. The time lag between arrival at the scene to surveying the scene to locating Ed lingered. Almost as if someone was taking photographs of time – moments frozen then developed before the next could pass.

Ed wasn't far away. He was sitting on the ground leaning against a building in an alleyway. The last building in the row from where the Crusher was left pinned and well within the prohibited 50 yards. His slumped posture an indication that this wasn't a total victory. Roy stumbled to stand up, but refused to crawl. Ignoring the protest in his heaving chest, he worked his way through the debris to check on Ed. His voice dry and lined with worry he didn't mean to convey, "Ed?"

The face that had been concealed by long, blonde bangs turned at the name. Ed looked back at Roy in a state of shock. Those wide golden eyes fixed onto something far from the commanding officer before them.

It was then that Roy saw how close Ed's defeat had been.

Knox's raspy baritone broke Roy from the scene played out in his thoughts. A thick, heavy hand gripped his shoulder, "Roy?"

Roy tried to look composed. To show only the ever career-minded solider he was believed to be. But at that moment, with the picture of Ed's stricken face still clear in his mind, Roy couldn't do it. He knew what Knox saw. The picture of a man terrified beyond all comprehension.

At the proposition of a few spoken words.

Taking a page from Ed's book, Roy turned away and hung his head. He didn't have the luxury of long bangs to hide his face, but his dark, short cropped hair hung low enough to conceal his eyes.

It was enough for now.

Knox let out a small laugh, "He's fine. Rather banged up, but the kid's bounced back from worse."

The tension bunching knots into Roy's shoulders released leaving him feeling strangely loose. His eyes still concealed, "Can I see him?"

"If he's awake. He's in room 140 at the end of the hall on the left. I've got other patients to attend to."

Roy nodded not trusting his voice and stood up.

Ed had always been small. A fact that Ed himself hated quite dearly. He was always desperate to grow up.

Ed lied on his side facing away from the door barely filling the standard sized hospital bed. 'How many times? How many times have you found him like this,' Roy traitorous mind accused him sharply. 'Aren't you supposed to protect him?'

I know. I know.

Roy moved into the room to sit lightly at the edge of Ed's bed. The boy... no, he wasn't a child anymore. Roy supposed man would be more appropriate but that didn't fit Ed. Those wide, untainted golden eyes of his forever invoking a sense of innocence that no adult could possess. For a moment Roy listened to Ed's soft steady breath. Assurance that he was alive. The fear, the worry from moments ago vanished in an instant – as if they never existed at all.

Roy's hand seemed to move on its own – disconnected from any rational thought in his mind. It reached out to barely brush against the too-long bangs that framed Ed's face. All so Roy could unveil the placid look of rest that consumed on Ed's features. Ed could always sleep fitfully anywhere undisturbed.

Roy withdrew that hand.

He let out a near silent sigh and tried to reign in a dangerously fast growing feeling. A feeling Roy had been trying to kill for a long time now. Roy called himself every manner of name he could think of. Ed was a child. A child his twisted sense of attraction chose to notice. Oh, Roy had noticed. About half way into Ed's fifteenth year, he began to mature. By the time the coup was successfully completed, Ed seemed to be all grown up. His height was unchanged, but his shoulders broadened, his voice deepened, and his features sharpened as the rounded resemblance of childhood faded away.

And Roy cursed himself.

Roy had always had rotten luck. People around him thought he was some sort of "Golden Boy" with his drastic and fast paced climb through the military ranks. And how many men attained the rank of Lieutenant Colonel at age 29? Or General by 30? Roy had long acknowledged that professionally he was blessed.

His personal life was cursed.

If there was ever anything he desired for himself – and just for himself – it was unattainable. All the things that everyone else took for granted in their lives were a struggle for Roy. This lingering bad luck made itself most apparent in his rather pathetic love life. Sure, to all of Central he was quite the ladies' man and, to be openly honest, Roy could snag any girl he wanted. The problem lied in the fact that there was very little he wanted from women. They were distractions from his failures – a momentary intrigue and then nothing more.

It was men that gave Roy trouble.

His first "head over heels" crush was over a boy named Victor when Roy was only thirteen. It lasted about 6 months before his father realized that his youngest son wasn't quite "right". The tried and true method for correcting these aberrant behaviors was to deposit the "sick" boy into the military's lap. The military would always fix him away and unseen from his disappointed parents. Roy never even worked up the courage to tell Victor about his feelings. His boyhood friend never knew.

In a peculiar sort of way, his father was right. His enrollment in the military academy meant that he had to move to Central and, due to his age, he was appointed a guardian; his father's licentious sister Chris. Aunt Chris, or Madame Christmas as she was better known, had been the black sheep of the family for years due to her "wild" behavior. However, as the years passed and she dramatically gained weight, Aunt Chris became more of a sage-like figure for the young and ill-informed. It was from her that Roy learned his most valuable lesson, how to fake normal heterosexual behaviors. How to disguise the truth so no one would ever know.

In the military academy and later alchemical training, Roy excelled until he met his next personal obstacle. Maes Hughes. A man he managed to confess to. Maes had taken the confession in stride. After patiently listening to Roy's half-murmured declaration, those peridot eyes looked away from Roy as Maes' sturdy jaw set. An act that made the answer all too clear. They agreed to never discuss it again. Effectively terminating the problem or so Maes thought. Roy had simply kept quiet.

They had remained friends. Even to the point where Roy was the best man at Maes' wedding. A self-depreciating act that had taken more out of Roy than he wanted to admit. He could still feel the wire taut pull of his jaw as he forced a smile to his face as the groom professed his vow of unending love to his bride. The taste of well-aged whiskey numbing his senses enough to play the part his Aunt taught him so well during the reception – flirting with every bride's maid in the room.

But he had loved Maes enough to suffer through it. Enough to celebrate his daughter's birth and sit through the endless parade of happy family photographs that Maes insisted on sharing. Enough to smile and laugh away Maes' belief that getting a wife would cure Roy's ails. To grin knowing that his ruse was bought by the entire Hughes household.

He had loved Maes up to the day of his death and beyond.

Until a small, hot-headed blonde matured and turned Roy's head again. Roy knew what he felt and tried to kill it ruthlessly. He wouldn't survive another Maes. Going through that once was painful enough. So, he increased the frequency of his dates with women. Tried his best to remain personally unapproachable and ignored Ed's internal struggles. Above all, he ensured that Ed received at least one insult for every visit he made.

He did everything he knew to irritate Ed.

All so Ed would hate him.

Roy's heart may be foolish, but if Ed despised him then all opportunity was destroyed. It worked. Roy detested every spoken word, but it worked. Ed routinely called him a "bastard", reminded Roy that he was "old", and even said that he hated Roy. Every word digging small graves for pieces of his affection – empty graves.

Roy even tried to find someone, _anyone_, to replace the feelings that had taken root.

It all failed.

So Roy worried himself stupid when Ed involved himself in near-death battles. He drank himself into dreamless nights. He had officers calling in from every train station, city post, or military command complex he knew of just so he could get an update on Ed and ease the sharp constriction of the unknown. Even during Ed's two year disappearing act, Roy had kept careful surveillance.

All the while reminding himself that he shouldn't do this. He _can't_ do this to himself again. But he would over and over again.

Just like today. He had nearly passed out on an active battlefield when he knew Ed won. He didn't even bother to secure the Crusher. And when Roy saw Ed injured... Roy stopped thinking.

He grabbed Ed and went straight to Knox.

The only thought in his head was to get Ed medical attention.

To care for the one person who hated Roy more than anything – the one person... Roy turned from his thoughts to look at the sleeping blonde once more. Knox had warned him that Ed would be unconscious.

He's out cold.

He won't notice.

Roy leaned over Ed to indulge in his desires. Just once. He pressed a soft kiss to Ed's left temple veering himself off more dangerous paths before he turned to go.

Roy's personal life was always cursed.

"Mmm... who?"

An icy bolt raced down Roy's spine chilling his entire body and setting his posture ramrod straight. Oh shit. Clearing his throat to ease his stiff body, Roy shifted slightly in his spot on the edge of the bed, "It's me, Fullmetal."

No personal names – just business.

Ed rolled over onto his back clearing away the haze of medically administered, drug-induced sleep. For a moment, Ed could have sworn... but only the General was here. He focused his blurry eyes on the man before him. Ed hated that his heart's resting rhythm was rising quickly as those dark eyes looked down at him. He hated that the one man who took unadulterated pleasure in mocking Ed was the very man Ed had fallen for.

He had tried to reason with himself. The obstacles to such a relationship were so easy to see. Roy was 14 years older than Ed. Ed was Roy's subordinate. Roy made it his personal pleasure to mock Ed at every turn. Roy was the poster boy for womanizers everywhere. But all the reason in the world wasn't enough to sway Ed's clearly idiotic heart.

Ed cursed at himself. He should be used to this! How many times has Roy looked down at him?

The image of Roy seated behind his desk came unbidden to Ed's mind. Roy's chin resting on interlaced fingers – leaning forward on his desk. Those dark, dark eyes seeing through Ed's every movement, gesture or comment. Ed had sat in Roy's office so many times stuck on the receiving end of that omnipotent stare that it left Ed in a permanent state of unrest. From the moment he walked in, Ed's entire body was bubbling with energy. The need to run, to grind the toe of his boots into the floor, to wring his hands together, to do _anything _plagued him in only that office.

Then came the commentary. What did Ed blow up this time? How many blocks? What was the cost of repairs? Type this report – no one can read it. Oh, where did you go? You're so small that I can't see you over my desk.

Ugh!

It wasn't enough that all Roy saw in Ed was a child in need of discipline... and even then! It didn't matter how hard Ed tried to show improvement. All Ed ever received from Roy was a snarky comment. Roy never gave him a single ounce of praise. The only reason Ed continued to respond to Roy's commentary in dramatic outbursts was to cover up the horrible, gut wrenching feeling in his stomach.

Like a sucker punch to the face.

But now, Roy _had_ to look worried. That irritating bastard just had to show some concern.

How? How could he?

"Just you?"

Roy felt the bite of Ed's words. "You didn't look so good. I was checking up."

Ed wanted to scoff at Roy's lame reply. He knew that he'd done worse to himself. "No biggie. Just a knock to the head." Ed pushed himself to sit up. He winced. Okay, so a bump to the head and a bruised shoulder.

"No 'biggie' huh?" The sarcasm in Roy's voice hurting Ed worse than any physical injury.

Ed looked away. Why? Why did Roy have this effect on him? Ed wanted to yell at Roy to leave. He wanted to give Roy a solid punch to the gut with his right hand just... just to relieve this frustrating feeling. To pass on this pain.

Moments of time began to stack up and grow into an extended, uncomfortable silence. Ed turned back to look at Roy who was still sitting there. Not talking – just staring at him. Those near pitch-black eyes fixed with an unnerving sense of… of something Ed couldn't place. Quite frankly, the General's beyond weird behavior had him wondering which one of them was actually a patient. Unable to take it any longer, "So?"

Roy blinked and looked back at Ed. Somewhere along the way he had trailed off into the bliss of knowing that Ed would be all right. If Ed felt well enough to be pissy and overconfident, then everything was okay.

Ed rolled his eyes and reiterated, "So?" Really, Ed was the one who hit his head.

"What?"

Ed felt that uncomfortable feeling give way to rising irritation. But anger was good. It quashed all other feelings and that always made things between them easier to deal with. "I'm up and talking. Why are you still here?"

Good question. Roy didn't know the answer himself.

Ed watched as Roy remained quiet and still _just_ sat there. Fully agitated by this weird behavior, he decided to end this odd interaction. He spat out, "Whatever. Just go." He didn't want to deal with whatever had the General in such an odd state.

Roy's expression fell into the realm of noticeable pity. He hadn't meant to upset the injured blonde, but given their history Roy supposed he shouldn't be surprised. He'd stayed too long. "Rest up." As Roy spoke those two parting words, that traitorous sentient hand of his moved to brush the away the bangs from the left side of Ed's face as his touch lingered at Ed's jaw.

All before Roy had a chance to stand and leave.

For a moment they both stared at each other – neither believing that the small gesture had occurred. Roy in shock at his own actions and Ed in shock at the unbelievably personal touch.

Neither knew what do to next.

Time stretched and Roy had yet to remove his hand.

Roy's thoughts reminded him – in for a penny; in for a pound. He couldn't deny himself forever. Too many long hours spent worrying over Ed, of wondering where Ed would be next, of berating himself over his feelings...

Too many hours spent with bottle in hand pretending that it all didn't hurt.

Roy had built Ed's hate so what would one more act do?

Roy leaned in towards Ed to give into his earlier derailed desires. Using his left hand as a brace, he leaned over the momentarily stunned blonde. He had to act quickly or the moment would pass – like a limited time offer. Roy smirked at the thought. An act that earned him the sight of Ed's eyes widening almost impossibly further. Ed could always piece things together quickly. Roy only wondered if it would be for his benefit.

As gently as he could, Roy placed the barest of brushes against Ed's lips. A soft caress that lingered in a way something more forceful could never convey. A pleasant impression surviving long after the touch is broken. He wanted to give Ed time to... to consider this unspoken proposition. Slowly, Roy's calm, steady breath faltered.

No resistance. No screaming. No all-out tirade that the blonde was apt to throw. Just passive – quiet even – acceptance.

How like Ed to take his expectations and flip them upside down.

Wasting no further time, Roy moved in to heighten his tentative touch. That traitorous right hand, useful for once, moved to cradle the back of Ed's neck rubbing small, reassuring circles. Moving carefully to avoid touching one of Ed's injuries, Roy pressed firmly against Ed's waiting mouth. One touch wasn't enough. Roy's long withheld desire broke his tentative hold on rational thought. The knowledge of how everything in this situation needed to end _now_ was drowned out. The driving need for more was pushing him – demanding more of an answer from Ed.

An answer Ed finally gave. He had been left in a state of shock – torn between a burst of joy that his feelings were no longer one sided and the pure terror of not knowing what the hell to do. That, and a small part of him wondered if this was all some crazy dream brought on by his head trauma. But it wasn't – it was real. Roy had made the first move, which left Ed fumbling to catch up. So he dropped the ball a bit for contemplation. Ed wanted to ask why... why now? Why him? When the gentle pressure from Roy lips shifted into a demand. Setting aside his ever-present inquisitiveness, Ed leaned in adding his own response to Roy's kiss. The reaction was unexpected. Like an explosive catalyst.

Ed's response was all Roy needed. That small reply to his efforts sent a pleasant warm ache to his lower body as rational thought gave its final death throes. He broke their chaste kiss only to return with increased fervor. Roy parted his lips to run a questing a tongue against Ed's sealed mouth – impatiently wanting more from the smaller blonde.

Ed closed his eyes as he eagerly permitted Roy's tongue entrance as it swept across his lower lip. Allowing Roy to take control while Ed followed his commanding officer just this one time. Roy moved his head to gain better access to the willing mouth before him. He explored Ed's mouth, moving against Ed's tongue – twining the two slick organs together. Feeling a dizzying rush, when Ed responded by entering his own. The bold move earned Ed a deep groan from the older man. A sound Ed soon echoed when Roy began to suck on Ed's invading tongue.

Roy couldn't keep his hands idle. His right hand had moved up to free Ed's messy ponytail. Free to comb through the loose golden strands. His left hand held Ed's right hip – keeping the blonde against him. The cold touch of metal occasionally brushing over it.

It was impossibly good.

The soft sounds of gasps and shortened breaths filled the room.

Ed was so willing – so eager. He learned and reciprocated actions so quickly it left Roy wanting – _needing_ more.

A cold realization struck Roy. Ed _was_ so willing. Most likely unaware of where such passion could take him. Roy broke their kiss. His breath ragged. His body begging him not to give up the lovely, willing blonde in his grasp.

He looked at Ed who seemed surprised and unsure. Those wide golden eyes studying his every movement carefully.

Roy leaned in to press a soft chaste kiss. An apology of sorts he supposed. He knew he should have never taken things so far, so fast with Ed. Everything had just… it didn't matter. Reluctantly, he pushed Ed back to his former spot on the bed and turned to leave.

He knew that he had crossed a dangerous line – a temptation so great it had been worth it even if it was only for a moment. He never expected Ed would be willing. He had expected the angry glare, a punch to the gut, the blonde shouting at a volume that left his ears ringing, but not acceptance. The sight of Ed's unfocused eyes, his reddened cheeks, and his chest panting for breath made Roy ache. But he wouldn't turn back. Roy doubted that Ed would understand his conflicting desires.

He knew above all else he had to protect Ed. Even if that meant protecting Ed from himself.

"What was that?"

Ed's fierce tone broke Roy thoughts. It never ceased to amaze Roy how quickly Ed could zip from one emotion to the next. It's because he's young. Roy tried to neutralize his voice into its normal, steady, almost bored tone, "Something that shouldn't have happened." Dammit all if he wasn't nearly as successful as he had hoped.

Unwittingly, Roy turned to see unguarded disappointment. Ed's pale brows furrowed in a sense of worry – that so delightful mouth pulled into a small frown.

Ed was reeling. One moment Roy was fulfilling some of Ed's more tasteful fantasies and the next Roy was ready to walk away as if it never happened. As if the time between now and the previous awkward silence was merely a daydream of his.

How could Roy kiss him like that and then just walk away?

"Why?" The softened look of rejection had retreated making way for Ed's normally aggressive personality to takeover.

Roy was genuinely surprised. While Ed was a rather assertive person, he consistently withdrew from social complications. Something about personal human interactions staved off his ferocity. He never did this. He never pushed something this intimate.

"Why, dammit! Answer me." Ed tone rose to a harsh demand as faint traces of pink grew on his cheeks. He didn't understand – a fact that left him on shaky ground. He always hated being unsure and his only way out was to push forward. He would grasp for any answer. Anything other than the piss-poor excuse he had been given. "'Shouldn't have happened' my ass. How can you go from... that to walking away."

It had been a long time since Roy felt trapped. If he told Ed the truth the blonde was likely to beat him black and blue. Then insist that he was perfectly capable of taking care of himself. Ed always acted as if he could handle everything. If he lied... he'd lie. "You deserve better."

Once again, both were left in a state of surprise.

Roy could hardly believe what escaped his thoughts. That... that wasn't what he meant to say. Time for damage control, "Besides I really am an old man compared to you and you're my subordinate." Roy's well engrained behavior pattern added a small fake laugh at his obvious joke, "That's why I shouldn't have."

Those golden eyes narrowed dangerously into an unspoken threat. Ed pressed his lips together tightly then abruptly turned his head to look away from Roy. He couldn't risk Roy seeing his fury dissipate. Harsh words and flippant banter suited their existing relationship but this… this was new. And Ed wasn't dull-witted enough to believe a weak lie – even when it was piled high and deep with a number of equally weak excuses.

The image of appalled peridot eyes overlapped the sight of Ed's wounded fury. Roy couldn't believe the personal irony. Then when Ed whipped his head away so fast that he unwittingly tossed a good portion of thick, golden hair over his shoulder, Roy knew that it was over. Whatever small chance fate had oddly left open for him, Roy had destroyed. And wasn't that his goal all along? But that was when he was confident that Ed would never return his feelings.

Was he ever confident about Ed? History hadn't sided in his favor.

No, it was over – done. Roy turned to leave, convinced that this had ended. The muted sound of slow moving boots snapped Ed's from his hesitation. Thinking things out in active situations was never really his forte. Was Roy really going to just go? "You... you're the only person who knows my sins but still thinks I _deserve_ better."

Roy was halted at the door. Of course the little genius would toss out the petty excuses and narrow in on the truth of it all.

Seeing Roy's abrupt halt at the door spurned Ed on. He swallowed a knot that threatened to squeeze off his ability to speak. "I know you've done stuff. A lot of things you regret, but I... I don't care about that."

A dark feeling gripped Roy holding him still. The words formed so easily in his mind. Those biting, hurtful words that would forever end whatever he had so stupidly started. Roy let out a deep sigh. He could end this – even if Ed kept leaving openings Roy knew that he could effectively terminate all chance at revival. Just turn on Ed. Shout at him, call him a naïve little child who could never understand... wound Ed's pride so deeply he would never speak about this again. But he… he couldn't do it. Without a doubt it was the right thing to do. To crush the revelation of mutual attraction.

But this was a first for Roy too. Never before had he confessed his feelings and had the other respond positively. He desperately wanted to take what was clearly being offered.

No.

This cannot happen.

One small mistake here is all that Roy would allow. No matter how much he wanted this.

He sent his eyes firmly on the dull brass door knob that was just moments away. Forcing his body forward, he moved until his hand grasped the cool metal. He couldn't turn to look at Ed. He knew that the moment he did his resolve to leave this room would crumble. The picture clearly in his mind was doing damage enough. Those wounded golden eyes fixed at his back set against that all too expressive face. "Rest Fullmetal. I'll send Hawkeye to take your report tomorrow."

Ed stared at Roy's back in disbelief. How could… why? He tightened his hands in fists as the urge to lash out at surged through his mind. He knew this desperate feeling and cursed its existence. He had thrown out those words because he was scared. He didn't want Roy to leave – not after this.

Not when it seemed that something he thought he could never have was right within his reach.

A slight squeak from well used hinges announced that the door opened shattering whatever might have been.


	2. Part 2

Author's Note: Yay, I finished it! As per my usual, sorry it took so long, but dear God was this hard to get right towards the end. Which is why I rewrote it again once more because lo confirmed my worst suspicion; it was unnecessarily wordy. I'm happy now – promise. No more rewrites.

Also, to FratPartyAtThePankakeFestiva l, I contemplated shortening it to a one-shot with just the first chapter. Because it totally worked and I loved it. But when the plot bunny bounced up and bit me it had a little puny joke that it wanted to make. Moreover, without it, the title really doesn't make sense. I probably would have titled it Impulse Control.

Lastly, review please if you have a moment. I adore every comment.

End of Your Career: Part Two

It was Saturday.

Sure Central Command was operating and he was supposed to work today, but Ed didn't care. Not like he had a desk to report to anyway. He was always galled at the fact that it bothered him so much. He was happy that he didn't have to drag himself into that cramped office day after day. But the fact that he didn't have a desk of his own in that cramped office bothered him in ways he couldn't describe.

He had to share one with Kain.

Rationally, there was no room for one more desk. It was practical that he share one with the only other person who was in and out of the office as much as Ed was.

But it still irked.

Because it was _Kain's_ desk.

Kain shared his desk with Ed.

Like he wasn't really a member of the team – just a temporary member to be included on as needed basis.

Or maybe this was bothering him only because he had spent the last week stuck in recovery. He hated Knox. The bastard just _had_ to wonder if the knock to Ed's head might have caused a concussion. He just _had_ to insist on keeping Ed for monitoring for three days.

It was all so stupid. After all, Knox was the one who let him sleep. Didn't all the medical journals say you weren't supposed to do that if a concussion is suspected? Fucking bastard was lying through his teeth.

But it didn't matter.

No matter what logical argument Ed made, he still spent the next three days bed ridden in a hospital hating every minute of his forced confinement. A secretive smirk gracing Knox's lips every time Ed demanded to know why he couldn't go home. The three days thereafter were spent in his apartment resting some more. Why? Who the hell knows? He'd been in far worse shape and was up and about in far less time.

Maybe Roy doesn't want to see me.

That was the truth of it and it hurt. His ban from Central Command felt like it was more about buying time until Roy's day off than it was for Ed's recovery.

And now it was Saturday. Ed could work again and Roy was off.

Fuck.

That was it wasn't it?

With nothing but time on his hands, Ed had thought about their last meeting often. About how nice those few moments were before it all went to hell. About what he could have said better – something more convincing that would make Roy stay. About why Roy left. It always resulted in expended effort without any results.

"Screw this."

If he was going to drive himself insane by mulling over the same set of facts then it was time better spent in the library. At least with Alchemy, Ed knew there was end to his contemplation.

As if three days spent in endless circular thought hadn't taught that to him already.

The walk to the First Branch Library was wonderful. After all those days cooped up, the fresh air was cool and crisp – as it should be considering the unseasonable cold wave that had lingered in Central City. Everywhere, people had dug out warm winter sweaters, heavy coats, and gloves to ward off the stubborn cold front. Some even carried umbrellas mindful of the ever present chance of rain as the clouds grew thicker and darker by the day.

But for Ed this odd weather shift was a delight. As much as he loved warm summer days, he had grown to enjoy winter more and more. It was mostly due to the fact that in winter, it was normal for him to wear his gloves and coat. In summer, those particular articles of clothing were out of place. And both his coat and gloves concealed his automail arm to the residents of Central City.

It wasn't that Ed was embarrassed. Rather it was due to the fact that he disliked prying, questioning eyes. If he went to the market, middle-aged housewives had a tendency to stare while shushing their respective curious offspring. While the mothers just made Ed uncomfortable with their fixed gazes, Ed didn't mind their children's inquisitive nature. They wanted to know why his arm was metal. Could they touch it? How did it work? A child's prying was over and done with easily. It was innocent. But adults just _stared_. It didn't matter if it was the market or a café or a restaurant or even the newsstand, their prying always held a note of aversion – as if automail was foreign to them.

The only downside to the cooling weather was that threat of rain. And given the ache in his shoulder and knee, Ed had a good idea that rain was coming. Most likely this evening. A thought he filed away as he reached the main entrance to the library.

He hesitated. Before the one place that offered him a reprieve from his useless, endless circular thought pattern, he hesitated. Rooted before the First Branch, Ed could only stare at the building.

He knew what he would find inside. Inside, the tables open to the public would begin to fill up. Weekends at the First Branch were usually busy with students researching various topics in order to prepare for the coming week. The normal pin-drop quiet of the front rooms would rise to a busy noise as books were dropped on table tops, pencils scratched over paper, feet shuffled and chairs scraped the floor as they were moved. Past this din, Ed would cut across to the restricted area only available to State Alchemists. In this place, the silence he sought would reign over the little-used area.

A place where he had, in the past, to show his watch and then argue with library staff that he was in fact a State Alchemist. An argument that only ended after the library had received confirmation from the General. Something he didn't have to do anymore.

Ed shook his head. Not now. The library's entrance mocked him as if it knew he had no focus – no drive – today for the knowledge it contained. It openly acknowledged that it knew his mind was far from research and it forbade him to enter. It knew that his thoughts were continually circling back to the problem Ed had no feasible way of solving.

At least not inside the library.

He let out a loud sigh earning him the attention of, presumably, some university students opening the twin front doors. The group looked him over with their eyes wide open in wary disbelief before heading inside without exchanging a word.

Like they've never seen a guy have a glaring contest with a library?

An amused smirk passed over Ed's lips before blowing out a frustrated sigh. His hesitation spoke volumes. He knew that if he tried to ignore whatever it was that happened between him and Roy it would only grow. Ever increasing until it filled his mind completely.

Problems that eluded Ed always did this.

At least with the Philosopher's Stone Ed knew how to go about solving the problem. With this… well, true he knew _a_ way to solve it. But to go through with it was risky.

Staring up into the darkening clouds, heavy with rain, Ed shrugged his shoulders before pushing himself forward.

He'd always been the type to gamble on a risk.

It was still early afternoon. The dark clouds outside did their best to conceal that and Roy decided to go with it. It was dark outside – so the glass of bourbon in his hand was completely permissible. The single cube of ice clinked softly drawing his attention downwards to look at the amber liquid.

It was heaven and hell.

On one hand, Roy knew that his dependency on the liquid wasn't the grandest of coping mechanisms. On the other, who the fuck was going to admonish him? He didn't, and would never, have a wife. So who did he bother?

A heavy sigh escaped his lips fogging up the window before him. He missed Maes deeply during these moments. Even with his desperate longing for the man, he enjoyed those moments when the two of them would hole up at the bar just outside the gates of Central Command. Maes would give Roy those few hours of fun to laugh or complain about the events of the day. A good friend in the best of senses.

But now… there was no one.

Sure Havoc, Breda, and the others would propose a night-out, but Roy rarely went. He told them he didn't want to steal Havoc's chance at yet _another_ girlfriend. He'd boast that once she saw Roy she wouldn't want Havoc.

A grand lie indeed.

And even then… unless she was petit and blonde and he was looking to fill a void for the evening, Roy wasn't all that interested either.

The truth was that he felt out of place. At work everything stabilized, but on a personal level Roy felt odd. He could joke with them and act the part so well, but he wasn't sure. He often wondered if they were grateful their invitation was turned down. Having to see your boss after hours wasn't exactly a cause for celebration.

And just like the drink, it was both good and bad. In one way, he missed the camaraderie. The ability to share moments of time with someone and simply ease the onset of loneliness. On the other, Roy was a very reclusive person and found that the effort it took to make these outings exhausted him. The results of such efforts were very rarely worth it. Maes had been his only true friend – the only person he connected with so quickly that it seemed natural. He was close with Hawkeye, too, but there were some things you can't say in front of a woman. The others were… convenient for lack of better term.

Perhaps that is what drew him to Ed. Ed was another natural recluse. He had an outgoing personality, but it wasn't his defining feature. Roy had always thought it was Ed's amazing ability to linger for hours – days even – in a stack of books pouring over the information contained within the pages and recall every line read.

Not even Roy could do that.

"Dammit."

The drink was supposed to impair his mind not fixated it on Ed. Yet his thoughts continually circled back to the diminutive blonde. His previous train of thought reminding him how easy it is to talk to Ed, how many interests they shared, how much Roy longed for another true friend like Maes…

Roy hung his head in defeat.

"I wonder how he's doing," he muttered the thought out loud to fill the silent void of his home. It was Saturday. The first day Roy had let Ed return to work. He knew that Ed didn't need that much recovery time. Rather it was that Roy needed that much time. He had no idea what he would say when he came face to face with Ed again.

If there was even _anything_ to say.

Roy had gotten status reports from Knox until Ed was released from the hospital. Then, he told Havoc to sit on Ed's apartment to monitor him. Havoc had cursed him up and down complaining about sitting out in the cold, but Roy couldn't have cared less. Roy's pathetic excuse was that he didn't want Ed to try too much too soon. Ed was so _gravely_ injured after all. Roy wondered if he had tipped too much of his hand with that assignment. Luckily, Havoc wasn't that bright.

Still, Roy wanted an update now and Havoc was freed from his detail. He knew Ed had a phone in his apartment but there was no way he was calling it. Visiting was out of the question. He needed a way to find out where Ed was and what he was doing without Ed ever knowing.

Or he could call the library.

Roy nearly rolled his eyes at his own ignorance. The library – of course Ed was in the library. After a week-long confinement, it was the first place he'd go. Roy looked down at the amber liquid giving it a swirl. It impaired everything but what Roy had intended it to.

A quick telephone conversation with Amy, a librarian with voice that hit tones he was certain only dogs could hear, startled Roy. Ed hadn't been seen today at all. The woman began babbling and asking about Ed's condition since she had heard about his injury, but Roy only rudely hung up the phone. His obvious, safe conclusion was denied. So where was Ed?

He didn't have an answer.

He rubbed his temples trying to ease away the high-pitched conversation still ringing in his head. So would Ed have gone into the office? It was unlikely… as unlikely as Ed not being in the library.

Roy hesitated about calling into the office. Normally, he could contact Hawkeye and she would respond in a way so as not to alarm others. It would be quick and efficient and no one would be the wiser. After all, she was fully aware of Roy's interest in Ed and only told him to make sure he was legal. Anything less and… Roy could only remember his eyes zeroing in on the well polished and maintained side arm the Lieutenant carried.

But Hawkeye had made it a habit to coincide her days off with Roy's. So Roy was forced to run a mental checklist of his subordinates. The Master Sergeant had today off as well since Roy liked having him around in case of accidental telephone damage. Havoc was in but… there was no way in hell. So that left, Breda who, while excelling at information gathering, had a nasty price to pay if it was for Roy's personal interest. Roy's wallet whimpered at the thought. Paying for the man's grocery bill for a month had been expensive and left Roy wondering if it had been worth it.

Taking another sip, Roy questioned using Breda's services before remembering that there was one other member of his office staff. Warrant Office Falman. The odd man often slipped Roy's mind. He had very little presence and barely spoke unless it was a recitation of some article, order, whatnot.

He had an excellent mind for facts – well, recalling them. So if he had seen Ed…

Roy picked up the telephone once more and dialed the Warrant Officer's desk.

"Warrant Officer Falman."

"Falman, this is General Mustang. Now listen carefully and do not say 'sir'."

The tall, slender grey-haired man hesitated. He had opened his mouth to say exactly that, but was now left gaping. Closing his mouth, he nodded vigorously into the receiver.

Roy had thought that some affirmative noise would be forth coming, but clearly this is why he didn't rely on Falman often. The man was far too regulation for his own good. "Falman, at least say yes so I know you understand."

"Y-yes."

An audible sigh carried over the receiver as Roy pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration, "Good, next time," if there ever was going to be a next time, "try not to make it sound like a superior called."

Falman nodded, and then amended, "Understood."

Well, that was better. "Has Fullmetal reported in?"

"No, should I locate…"

"No."

Uncomfortable silence reigned as Roy considered the merits of supplying a flimsy excuse and Falman wondered if he should question a superior officer.

Given the less than stellar exchange Roy opted to say nothing at all. It was one of the few glorious perks that came with his rank, if he didn't want to explain himself he didn't have to. And Falman had to accept that. "Very good Falman. Good-bye."

Falman nodded and the receiver went dead. The Warrant Officer marveled at it and then around the office. It was empty. Both Second Lieutenant Breda and First Lieutenant Havoc had taken off for an extended lunch since neither Lieutenant Hawkeye nor the General were in. They always took long breaks on those days.

Roy hung up the phone and glared at it. He had risked making the call. It turned out to be a fruitless effort. Now he had an even weirder working relationship with Falman and still didn't know where Ed was.

Picking up the heavy glass, Roy finished off the last of the bourbon in an effort to stave off his growing anxiety. Rolling the glass between his hands, he tried to guess where Ed was. There was an off chance he was still home, but after a week stuck indoors it was unlikely. He could be out shopping. Knowing how much Ed ate there was a good possibility that he needed to restock.

But how would he confirm any of this?

Roy let his shoulders sag as he moved to refill his glass.

Ed had all but run down the street as he neared Roy's home. It was a risky move to confront Roy in his home, but Ed could think of several good reasons to go through with it. The most important was that he _couldn't_ think of _anything_ else until Roy cleared up the entire event. And that, and only that, was the most perfect reason in the world. If pushed to give Roy a reason Ed knew what he would say. This was Roy's personal time. Since he would refuse to speak to Ed about this on military time, personal time was the only chance Ed had.

There was no way Roy could talk his way out of that.

The fact that Ed had only just thought of this as he turned the corner to Roy's street didn't matter.

Soon he was staring at Roy's house and all the resolve he had mustered up fled in an instant. His stomach flipped-flopped as he felt his heart's rhythm increase drastically. Ed reminded himself of the endless days of frustration and circular contemplation. Of fuzzy, grey social problems that had no concrete answers – only half-met certainty. His anxious mind reminded him of its state as his mouth went dry.

Fuck it.

Ed stomped his way up the three steps to Roy's doorbell in a knowingly and admittedly childish display of irritation. It felt good. Each hard step evicted an unwanted butterfly occupying his stomach.

Within the home, Roy heard the low chime of his doorbell. After deciding that Ed must be out shopping, he was considering paying for another month of Breda's grocery bills just to quiet his mind. The liquor wasn't working. Normally, it soothed his addled nerves and numbed his mind into a blissful state of relaxation. Freed from the taxing thoughts of his world. Instead, he was singularly focused on exactly where in Central Ed was and panicked because he didn't know the answer.

A restless state of agitation that Roy hated to feel.

The chime rang again in the home as Roy turned his attention to the door. Roy rarely had visitors. Generally, he avoided having people in his home. This was his place to relax. To put down the fronts of General or playboy or any guise he had slapped on for the day and simply be himself. The only exception he made was a small dinner affair he held every year with his office staff to celebrate Amestrisian Independence Day. All military officials had August third off. So in an effort to create a bond with his subordinates he put on the event.

It had been Maes' idea. Gracia still attended with Elysia.

A third chime conveyed that whoever was violating Roy's peace – truthfully his current unsettled state of worry – was highly impatient.

And didn't that bring the hot tempered blonde to mind?

Roy growled out his impatience with his visitor and threw back the remnants of his second glass of bourbon. Praying to whoever would listen to him for the tolerance not to kill the "guest" on the other side.

Roy yanked the door open hoping that the impatient asshole on the other side would get a clue. He had planned on being angry – of informing his uninvited irritant exactly what he thought about his unexpected appearance. When he saw Ed on the other side of the door, Roy questioned his decision to knock back the rest of the liquor.

Ed huffed and squared up his petite frame in a feeble attempt to intimidate Roy. Roy knew he was short and violent. Not much more was scary about Ed. Roy half-listened as Ed barked out some mouthy comment about Roy taking his time to answer his door as Ed walked into Roy's home completely _uninvited_. Tossing that garish red coat onto Roy's polished walnut flooring before standing in Roy's living room with his hands balled into fists and a scowl etched onto his face as he demanded, "Aren't you going to close that?"

Roy blinked dumbfounded for a moment before his anger took hold, "Who the… what… Get out." He pointed out the door for emphasis. The cold wind blowing in from the wide open door helping to clear his alcohol induced haze.

Ed rooted himself to the dark hardwood floor. Shifting his weight to the balls of his feet in case Roy tried to physically remove him from his house. "No, we settle this now."

Roy looked at his door and then outside to the street. His anxious mind now calm as he now knew where Ed was and what he was doing. But the relief of his answer was a temporary thing because what Ed was doing was inviting himself into Roy's home. A place he simply couldn't allow Ed to be. Not after the hospital. Not knowing that Ed wouldn't refuse.

Roy schooled his features and commanded in a flat voice, "Fullmetal leave."

Ed crossed his arms in an effort to visually display his refusal to leave without an answer. Not completely satisfied with non-verbal communication he repeated, "Not until this is settled."

Ed was preparing himself for a fight. Roy could sweep over Ed's body language and read it clearly. Everything about the blonde was tense. A small, vicious part of Roy knew he could walk over, kiss the boy, and then toss him out easily. Something unexpected would throw Ed completely out of the game. It was always easy to beat Fullmetal in a test of strategy.

Mostly because Ed never had one.

If Roy had to wager a guess, Ed had gotten himself riled up about the events in the hospital, stewed about it during his confinement and now marched himself over here to demand answers when his adolescent mind failed to provide the requisite solution. The dark feeling from the hospital whispered how easy it would be to end this in a heartbeat. All he had to do was insult Ed's very core. To destroy his pride so completely all Ed would be able to do is turn a brilliantly bright shade of red and flee Roy's home.

So why couldn't he do it?

It was the right thing to do. He needed to push Ed away.

Ed watched as Roy stood mutely by the door once both of his orders were ignored. Everything about this confrontation had Ed on edge. He didn't like social problems. He didn't like playing mind games with Roy. He didn't like having to talk out personal things with others. But he had propelled himself into this situation to face something he was admittedly was scared of. It was silly and yet perfectly rational. He had fought inhuman creatures, battled some of the most fiercely talented and simultaneously twisted alchemists in Amestris, and Winry all without fear. Apprehension, yes. Nervousness, occasionally. But never afraid.

This moment scared him.

He didn't know where to begin or how to resolve this. All he knew was that Roy walked away. Roy kissed him in such a way that it left Ed unable think and he _walked_ away. He didn't know what changed in Roy's mind. All Ed knew was that the best place to being working a problem is wherever you think it went wrong.

Swallowing every doubt that bubbled up from his mind, Ed plunged ahead. "I meant what I said. I don't care about what happened in your past. Don't tell me if it bothers you!" He threw his arms up for a moment before letting them settle against his sides in an expression of exasperation. The movement felt good. It soothed that nervous twitch that forever held residence in his body when he was face to face with Roy. Satisfied that he had expressed the problem, he now needed to state the question. Ed lowered his tone, "I just need to know what that kiss meant."

Ed watched Roy's eyes narrowed dangerously as Roy's grip on the doorknob increased turning his knuckles white. Roy's mind screamed for him to wound Ed deeply – all to protect the little fool. Giving one last wistful glance out the front door, Roy slammed it shut. Why couldn't Ed take the easy road just this once?

Roy always knew that his personal life was cursed. He turned on his heel and briskly walked back to where Ed stood rooted to his floor. His cold "General" persona firmly set in place. He would engage Ed in this battle using his most strategic and distant parts of his mind.

Ed knew small pieces of what had happened in Roy's past. He didn't have all of the facts, but he didn't need them. The general gist of it was that Roy hated it, it involved death, and the Ishbalen conflict. To this day, Roy still regretted the actions of his past. Something Ed understood all too well. And for a brief logical moment, Ed noted that it was this fact that had, in all likelihood, drawn him to Roy. Ed cared very little about rank, fraternization, or whatever the military outlawed. Age was unimportant as well. Ed had lived too long among adults. He doubted that someone his own age could comprehend the things Ed thought or experienced.

Someone his own age would probably make Ed think _he_ was the one taking advantage of a child.

But regret was unique. Even more so was the ability to push past it. Again, Ed wasn't clear on the details but he was absolutely certain that Roy had compartmentalized it. Just as Ed had. There were no restarts or do-overs and the knowledge of the action and its consequence would always linger. Hanging in the darker corners of the mind to emerge at the most inconvenient times to remind him of his sins.

It was an exclusive understanding. Something Al didn't have to live with fully. Something that Winry had never experienced. Something that many military personnel felt or denied outright. But if they felt it, they only did when it reared its ugly head in a moment of weakness. They let it eat away at them. Tell them that their actions were unforgivable. It was only Roy who used it to push himself forward just as Ed did. To turn that gnawing feeling that threatened to overwhelm a person into a driving force towards something better.

Ed respected that even if he never said it aloud.

Roy had somehow gotten very close without Ed being consciously aware of it. Roy titled Ed's chin up to stare back hard into those eyes. Ed always had telltale eyes. If he was lying, curious, nervous, trying to pull a prank, anything – it was in Ed's eyes. He had no skill at stoicism. A nervous feeling clawed its way up Roy's throat. Those golden eyes couldn't lie – they were steady, clear, unwavering. How could he not care? Discard something of such severity as inconsequential information? Roy swallowed to force the feeling down, "Do you... understand what you just said?"

Ed held Roy's gaze steady, "About not caring? Yes."

Turning from Ed, Roy felt the urge to bitterly laugh. A wholly inappropriate feeling but there nonetheless. "You can't. You're just a child."

The words bit deeply. Ed hated it. Why, why did everyone refuse to allow him to grow up? But he hadn't wavered from his position and if Roy wished to dissociate him as a child; fine, then, Roy was a stupid adult. "Why do _adults_ think they know everything? Just 'cause you're older, doesn't mean you're smarter." That got Roy's attention. The older man spun around with a look that demonstrated well-worn patience. Ed had seen that look before on countless adults. All so completely sure that Ed was the one in need of a lesson.

Roy stood momentarily stunned. How could _anyone_ absolve him of his crimes? "You don't know what you're saying. _At all_."

"But you're the one who told me I 'deserve' better. If I don't know what I'm saying, how can you?"

Now that was weak attempt. The feeble excuse provided Roy a foothold when everything was slipping through his fingertips. This conversation had dangerously derailed and this, _this_, would put it back on track. "Ed, I know everything that happened that day. I know exactly what I'm talking about."

"No, you don't."

The words held remarkable certainty. Certainty that Roy knew Ed didn't possess. He reached out and grabbed Ed's right shoulder hard – knowing he could vent his violent urge to simply punch the boy without actually inflicting harm. The petulant child act had driven him far enough. That dark feeling had held back long enough. Unchained it voiced its opinion vehemently, "Oh really, Ed? What part did I miss? The attempted transmutation of your mother? Al becoming an unintended ingredient? Bonding your brother's soul to armor? Or perhaps it is the guilt that _you_ think _you're_ the only one who feels pain from that day?"

He knew he shouldn't have looked. Roy knew that he was using his height to his advantage. To be able to stand over the shorter male and only view that golden crown of hair. But when Ed decided to face him, pulling his chin up in a show of defiance, Roy lost his footing. The stricken look plastered across Ed's face so close to Roy felt like a jab to the chest. Ed's mouth was pulled into a dangerously thin line. Those uniquely golden eyes furrowed into a fierce stare. Roy knew he had pushed too far – that Ed hated him more than ever.

The ironic duality of his actions was not lost on Roy.

"Fuck you." The words came out so softly that Ed could barely hear them himself. So picking up in volume he continued, "Fuck you, you know-it-all bastard." Since Roy was so keen on gripping his right side, Ed decided to make good use of it. Using that arm, he reached up to grip the collar of Roy's dress shirt as tightly as the machinery allowed – nearly tearing the cloth – pulling him down to Ed's level. Through gritted teeth, "I _knew_ that Al felt pain – mostly because he couldn't feel anything at all. But it was _my_ research – _my_ design that we used. Hell, I even _drew_ the cursed thing. It was _my_ calculations for the ingredients. _My_ idea that something as weak as a few drops of blood would compensate for a soul."

Ed released his grip when he realized that the world had faded to red. He puffed out ragged breaths unaware until that moment the constriction in his chest. "And lastly, it was a failure through and through. That... that wasn't even Mom. The bone structure was male. The hair was black – Mom's was chestnut brown."

With the horrible truth laid bare, Ed felt like a deflated balloon. The strength from a moment ago vanished. He was forced to lock the mechanics of his left leg as he felt his body sway and threaten to crumple to the floor under the weight of his declaration.

Roy didn't know what to say. He adjusted his rumpled and torn collar and let out a breath he held ever since Ed grabbed a hold of him. Ed's body tilted to the left as his shoulder sagged and his head dropped forward.

Broken entirely.

And Roy knew it was his fault. He had called Ed's bluff because he was certain he knew the facts. Ed was right – why did adults think they knew everything? Sure he was older but he certainly couldn't claim wiser. Just a little more experienced in acting awfully in the world.

Roy's tender feelings towards the blonde couldn't be ignored. He reached out to the shaking shoulders pulling them upright. Roy moved them to sit on the couch finding Ed's formerly tense frame passive. He moved to sit beside Ed – holding Ed against the right side of his body.

Ed permitted the movement. His confession had left him devoid of emotion – numb to the outside world.

Trying to shake Ed from his catatonic state, Roy dared to indulge in another long-withheld desire. Something he hadn't fully dared in the hospital. He combed his fingers through Ed's loose bangs – watching the brilliantly colored hair pass between his fingertips. The act appeared to sooth Ed as he leaned into the touch. Soon the blonde was tucked fully against Roy's right side like a content cat. The same hand that had been playing with Ed's hair made a final pass through the golden strands before moving to cradle Ed's chin. Holding Ed gently in the palm of his hand, he tilted Ed's head up, "I'm sorry."

Ed gave a small nod breaking Roy's light hold. "Me too."

Roy smiled warmly at Ed. That was the closest thing to an apology he'd ever gotten out of Ed.

"Kiss me."

Roy looked down at the blonde who had just issued the demand. Ed was never one to be subtle but this? He gaped in wide-eyed astonishment.

Ed saw the stunned look on his Commander. What? Hadn't Roy ever heard of "kiss and make-up"? Granted, Ed wasn't a big believer in the system, but he liked the idea when it suited him. Like right now. Deciding to take advantage of Roy's stunned state and as a mild form of payback from hospital, Ed reached up with his left hand to tug lightly on Roy's abused collar. He pulled the older man down to his level before placing an experimental kiss against Roy's lips. Nipping lightly at Roy's lower lip trying to recall how Roy had kissed him in the hospital room.

The hesitant touch against his lips brought Roy back to the present. It was so gentle and unsure that it didn't seem like Ed. Ed was brash and overconfident. Even when he was at a disadvantage or sorting out a situation, Ed pushed forward with all the appearance of someone who understood everything. But this was so different.

Almost endearing.

The angle was all wrong however. Pulled down low to his side was awkward, certainly didn't afford Roy the contact he was beginning to desire. He sat up straighter, slowly encouraging Ed upwards and over into his lap. The sweet series of kisses they shared chaste and lacking fervor. As if both were content to simply "be" in that moment until Roy pushed. Roy wasn't sure how Ed would react, but soon the blonde had swung one leg over Roy's lap.

There was Ed's impetuous side.

It was a thrilling rush for both. Ed could hardly believe the results. He had tested the limits of Roy's patience before and had never delighted in the consequences until today. Some nervous, fumbling part of him feared the move, but driving forward blindly into the unknown was familiar to Ed. It wasn't always safe, but it generally provided an acceptable outcome.

Somewhere around the sixtieth percentile.

And this certainly fell within the range of a desirable outcome.

He had wanted an answer for their kiss in his hospital bed. Not an excuse or some paltry half-assed diversion that Roy was apt to try, but an honest answer. Something intuitive in Ed had known that there was more to Roy's walking away than what he said. Ed felt a small smile creep onto his lips even as they pressed up against Roy's. Only Roy would be honest in action and not in words.

Roy felt the little tease on his lap grin. Ed wanted to play and Roy was certainly game. An explorative and bold tongue traced the edge of Ed's lower lip before fully claiming that tempting mouth. Savoring the heady rush of plundering his young subordinate's mouth along with Ed's sudden willingness to accept guidance. Even if those directions were of the nonverbal variety.

A muted groan was trapped between them and Roy pressed Ed further. Sliding his hands down Ed's hips and around his lower back to finally give that pert little ass a squeeze. Roy had ached to touch. He had longed for even a brief excuse to test his fantasy of how firm Ed's rear would feel against the palm of his hand. He'd studied it long enough. With every flurried huff out his office door with that gaudy red coat thrown over one shoulder, Roy had memorized the sight of a firm, leather clad backside that ever so slightly sashayed with each step. Mostly likely the result of mismatched steps but an enjoyable experience all the same. And now he could finally touch.

If it wasn't everything he had desired and more. He tightened his grip trapping Ed's lower half against his hips to enjoy every small shift the blonde made on his lap.

Ed broke a prolonged kiss to gasp as Roy's hands ground their hips together. He could feel Roy, hot and hard moving against his spread legs. His clothed erection painfully trapped within restrictive denim of his pants as he rubbed against Roy's belly. Ed slipped his gloved hands through Roy's short black hair, grabbing the slight strands hard to pull himself impossibly closer to Roy to seal their mouths together once more. This was getting far too good to let it fall apart a second time. Too many things were happening again. The warm, wet feeling of Roy's tongue sweeping over his closed lips before he parted them to let Roy in. That memorable low groan Roy made as he began to intertwine his tongue with Ed's. A welcomed invasion that let Ed taste the remnants of Roy's drink before he boldly responded by entering Roy's mouth. Each sound the older man made sent warm jolts down Ed's spine to settle low in his stomach. A warmth that forced Ed to move against Roy again and again.

Sex. The thought of Ed's bare, tanned skin contrasted by golden hair on his bed sheets was startling clear in Roy's head. The image of Ed's legs spread inviting Roy into his body pulsed through Roy sending heated blood to his dick. The blonde on his lap was already dry humping him into completion. It would only take a few scant moments to remove some unnecessary clothing and slick up Ed's entrance for this to end so much better than cooling, sticky undergarments.

Only…

That small parental part of Roy that had always protected Ed from the adult world voiced its concern. Was Ed really ready for this? Everything the diminutive young man on his lap was doing screamed yes, but sex brought out some strange behaviors in people. Especially people new to sex. It wouldn't be the first time for Roy that a naive partner acted on emotions that they didn't fully comprehend. It resulted in hot, mind-blowing and occasionally kinky sex with a partner that hated you the next morning. Claiming that they were "caught up in the moment" or that Roy had somehow "taken advantage" of them.

If Roy was going to take Ed to bed he had to be certain. He didn't want Ed making crappy excuses the next morning and avoiding Roy until he requested a transfer. He wanted one hell of a night followed by another and maybe some dirty rendezvous in the supply closet or library stacks in Central. He wanted everything he couldn't have with Maes. A partner that wouldn't spend his days flashing an endless parade of happy family pictures of a wife and child. Someone that wouldn't make Roy stand at the altar to watch his love profess undying loyalty to another with a fake smile plastered painfully to his face. Roy would never again have to pretend to be the military playboy or drink away lonely, anxious nights.

He broke their kiss to look at Ed. This had to be clear. No uncertainties or misunderstandings. The blonde's golden eyes were muted into antique bronze. He had fallen just as deeply into this Roy had. Even to his own ears Roy's voice was deeper than he expected, "Are you sure?"

Ed blinked trying to force the question through his clouded mind. He didn't want to talk right now. Talking had led to Roy walking away and all Ed wanted right now was that mind numbing sensation he got when he pressed his hips down onto Roy's. He shifted his hips against Roy letting endorphins flood his mind as he pressed his erection into Roy's belly renewing the rush. Brushing his lips along Roy's neck, Ed searched half blind for Roy's ear before whispering, "Yes."

The actions sent tremors through Roy. Never… never in all these years could he ever imagine Ed was capable of such… A low whimper caught in Roy's throat. He did a quick mental check to confirm that his conscious was clear before he hauled the blonde upright into his arms and off the couch. He knew the path but balancing their combined weight was tricky. Ed may be small but those automail limbs had to double his weight. It also didn't help that the blonde was nipping playfully at his ear and running his tongue along the pulse in Roy's neck. The latter action had the dark-haired man nearly toppling over into the hallway wall.

Ed had felt the shift from sitting to standing and had wrapped his legs around Roy's waist to continue the friction that pooled low and warm in his groin. He wouldn't let the contact end between them. He loved how quickly Roy was falling apart. The cool and composed man at the doorway was long gone. Ed felt his back hit a wall as Roy took a moment to rut against Ed's ass as he nipped along Ed's collar bone. The cooling line left behind as Roy's tongue traced over the gentle bites causing an involuntary shiver.

Ed pulled Roy's head up from his throat to lock lips once more. Ed thoroughly enjoyed the deep, primal groan Roy made as he slipped his tongue into Roy's mouth.

They toppled over onto the bed surprised to finally make their destination. Ed didn't know when Roy had put together the mental facilities to move them from the hallway and Roy couldn't answer that question either. But the gap of missing memory didn't matter. Not with that smug grin on Ed's lips.

Roy pressed a quick kiss to Ed's lips as he pushed himself off the bed. He watched as Ed cocked his head to his right in quizzical display that the boy shouldn't possess. By all rights Ed probably didn't know what to do next, but… to Roy's addled mind it was provocative as if taunting him with what came next. It was an inquisitive, open gesture that had Roy's fingers fumbling for the buttons on his shirt.

He was never this uncoordinated with his partners. Ed was reducing him into an overly excited teenager with no skill whatsoever. Those wide golden eyes watched as the small white buttons were released revealing Roy's pale chest. Ed bit lightly on his lower lip in an unconscious wanton gesture. He wished to sit up and undo every last one of those buttons. To feel the heat of Roy's skin as the shirt parted under his hands. But his fingers never worked right. So he had to wait and he hated waiting. Once the shirt no longer covered Roy and was discarded to the floor, Ed sat up as nervousness made a brief return. To take this where he wanted… he was unsure how Roy would react once all of his limbs were uncovered.

Roy had always been able to see his arm, but the leg…

Driving head first into situations was what Ed did best so he persevered pushing that small knot of anxiety away. He slipped the gloves off his hands easily. Grabbing the hem of his black sleeveless shirt, he pulled it over his head in a swift movement. He doubted Roy would know the trick to avoid catching the cloth on the mechanics of his shoulder.

Roy was torn between stunned amazement and pouting. He had wanted to feel Ed's hard body slipping free from the black fabric. But watching Ed… well that was unexpected and delightful. He placed a gentle shove to Ed's left shoulder to push him back down onto the bed. Roy moved to climb on top of the blonde scooting back toward the middle of the mattress. He lowered his head to kiss along the left side of Ed's neck and shoulder while running his right hand down the scarred line where metal joined flesh. A pale, pink jagged line with the harden sensation of damaged skin. Ed may have been a foolish child to earn such a wound but the intent behind the action was pure. Cleaner than anything that attributed to the faint and fresh marks scattered across Roy's chest.

A sharp gasp sounded loudly into the room and it took a while before Ed realized that he was the one to make the sound. It was difficult to know much as he watched Roy beginning to explore the suture along his chest. It was an ugly, knotted line of flesh that Ed hated, but that touch explained everything. It was a scar – his scar. A mark obtained by experience; even if it was foolishness that caused it. A small unifying thing that the two of them shared when everything else in their lives showed no correlation.

Ed's eyes watched intensely as Roy's forefinger traced the line of damaged skin. It was strange not feeling and yet knowing Roy's touch was there. The skin at that juncture was nearly devoid of all sensation. The numerous repairs and adjustments over the years tugging at the nerves until they numbed. Yet Ed knew that the touch was gentle; near reverent. He reached up to place the cool palm of the automail hand against the savage burn mark slowly lessening with time on Roy's side – confirming that this was okay. Carefully Ed brushed the tips of the metal fingers over the scar before slipping away.

Knowing and not feeling.

Regretting but pushing forward.

Dark eyes met golden in marked understanding.

Their mouths met in mutual agreement. The heated touch driving them to a place beyond gentle exploration and careful understanding. A place that broke the sweet hold they had into absolute need. There would be time later. Time to map out the places and people that had physically marked them. To share horrors that left no physical indication; only thoughts that tested mental fortitude on dark doubt filled evenings.

But not now.

Ed fumbled to single handedly remove the button fastening Roy's pants. The hard tug on the fabric bringing a smile to Roy's lips. Guiding Ed's hand with his, he freed the button before working swiftly to remove the blonde's dark denim. Pulling tanned legs free from the material along with any other article before dropping the items to the floor. The heavy thuds from Ed's boots a distant sound as Roy viewed Ed naked against his pale blue sheets. His tanned, lithe body well defined and perfect. Automail limbs and all.

Even better than the momentary fantasy that had passed through his mind only seconds ago.

The blonde smirked at Roy's pause wondering what was causing him to go statuesque when he should be removing his pants. Feeling embolden by everything this evening, Ed brazenly queried, "Help?"

Roy shook himself into life rushing to remove the rest of his clothing before swearing at the buckle on his belt. "Drawer," Roy growled before triumphantly shucking off the last bit.

Ed stretched to root around in the drawer and found it surprising devoid of clutter. Nothing but condoms and a bottle of lube. Retrieving the items, Ed held them up and playfully asked, "Should I be concerned?"

Roy grinned wickedly taking them from Ed and adding, "You know my reputation."

"Always figured it was bullshit."

Roy laughed and marveled at Ed's unerring genius, "Not entirely."

Ed arched a pale eyebrow in a questioning display while taking in Roy's bared body. Despite all his bravado, he felt the strange juxtaposition of embarrassment and desire. Scanning over the toned pale chest lightly dusted with dark hair to lithe abdominals furrowing that line of hair to Roy's erect cock, Ed felt sheepish. Outside of Al's open bathroom door policy, Ed had never seen another male. Having his brother barge into the shower demanding a minute of hot water didn't arouse the same feelings that seeing Roy did. Ed felt like he was staring and needed to stop, but was completely unable to do so.

The innocent blush creeping across Ed's face was adorable. In any other context he'd tease Ed about it. If only to watch the emotions play across Ed's face before he settled on fury. An angry Ed was too much fun in a slightly sadistic way. But sex and sadism – no matter how slight – wasn't something Roy liked to bring into the bedroom.

Climbing on the bed to lean over Ed and settling himself in between parted legs he longed to see, Roy moved to trail light kisses over Ed's collarbone ending with a gentle nip to tanned skin, "Want to stop?" It was an unwanted question but if there was anything about this Ed wasn't sure of this would be the only way to silence his nagging doubt.

"_No_."

The response was brief and gruff and held that wonderful note of derision that Ed so often used. It was only one word but it admonished Roy in so many unspoken phrases. The smirk that spread across his face lacked its usual haughty tone and he met Ed in a kiss that pulled him flush against the small body beneath him. The cool touch of metal brushing over Roy's naked skin shocking at first but leaving heated trails in their absence.

It wouldn't take much. The thought chided Roy. He'd like to take his time with Ed. Explore every inch of the boy before teasing Ed into completion over and over again before proving to Ed the depth of his skill. But that unintentional lap dance on his couch already had Roy close. His dick ached for released from its prolonged agitated state. He'd been able to hold off only through his concern for Ed's doubt. With it gone… Roy knew it wouldn't take much.

But he needed to get Ed prepared first. Roy wouldn't risk harming Ed in anyway.

Quickly slicking his fingers with lube he worked a finger into Ed's entrance to see the blonde wince. It was uncomfortable and a bit strange. In all of his extended showers, Ed had never thought to finger himself. His focus had been on one thing only since the hot water didn't always last long. But now that he could feel it, his body tightened naturally trying to fend off the intruder.

Roy focused on Ed's comfort. He made a breathy shush into Ed's ear in an effort to get him to relax before Roy brushed his lips past the juncture of Ed's neck and shoulders before moving lower. Gently grazing his teeth over Ed's left nipple, teasing the nub hard brought bright gold eyes on him. The moment he knew Ed was watching his every move, Roy played up the show a bit. Running his tongue over the taunt flesh before giving it a playful nip, had his young partner gasping. He moved lower and lower teasing newly explored skin with licks and tender bites until he could free his support hand to touch. All the while listening to Ed's muted cries proving the boy was unaware of the second finger stretching him further.

Ed had watched in stunned awe at the things only Roy's mouth was stirring up inside of him. He had watched until the only thing that felt right was to tear his eyes away from the sight and enjoy every moment blind. Allowing the surprise of Roy's action to take him higher and higher. It drew out noises that Ed knew he was making. They were loud cries in his ears and he tried to quiet himself until he heard Roy's gruff order.

"Don't," Roy pulled himself away from a bit of flesh, "Louder."

Roy ducked his head back down to suck at the inside of Ed's ruined left thigh when the blonde nearly screamed in pleasure. Somewhere in it was Roy's name but speech was quickly falling apart for Ed. It was exactly what Roy was driving for as his free hand moved to loosely stroke along Ed's shaft. Encircling the hardened flesh with a rough palm, he rubbed his thumb over the head making sure to distract Ed as he slipped in the final third finger.

Ed arched into Roy's hand seeking out an end. The thing that would finally tilt him over the edge. He pushed his hips up into the tight grip of Roy's hand looking for his release and pulled in Roy's fingers deep to brush against his prostrate. The surprise of it, flooding his mind brought out a loud unintelligible word. He'd forgotten about that but soon was trapped in the exquisite push and pull of ache. It didn't matter which way he moved. Either direction brought about a rush of endorphins numbing his mind and inflaming his body in a way he'd never experienced.

Roy could hardly believe it. He'd fantasized plenty of time about this very thing, but could never conceive of how good it would actually be. The sight of Ed coming completely undone from foreplay was intoxicating. His sharp cries and loud moans were all Roy ever needed to hear. His neglected aching dick throbbed and Roy knew there wasn't much time left. He could get Ed off and himself later this only this, but why should he do that when Ed was spread out before him. He withdrew his fingers to Ed's moan of protest and fumbled to slip the condom on. He raised Ed's hips to slowly push himself into the slicked and stretched entrance. The inviting warmth nearly drove Roy over the edge urging him to rush in.

The fullness of Roy's cock pressing into his body wasn't an easy transition. Ed longed for the return of fingers brushing over his cock and pressing against the nerves inside his hole as Roy's cock stretched him further – almost too much further.

The desire to slam into the warm body beneath him pounded through his mind and Roy took it as a testament to his control that he withheld from doing just that. He slowly pushed deeper into Ed allowing him to adjust until Roy could relocate Ed's prostrate and hear those delightful moans once more. Just a little further.

"F-fuck," Ed felt it. The return of that pleasant ache. Those wide golden eyes opened and unseeing at the reactive rush filling his mind as his pliant body eagerly accepted Roy in deeper. His mismatched hands found Roy's shoulders grasping his partner as he tried to move his hips in succession with Roy's.

The blonde's heady moan and near brutal grip urged Roy to pick up the pace. He guided Ed into a comfortable position locking those strong thighs against his sides and searched for their rhythm. When each thrust was met and their clumsy off-beat movements ceased, everything fell into place. Ed's body easily received Roy as Roy twisted his hips to angle just right into Ed. Responsive cries and grunts filled the bedroom drowning out the lewd wet slick of bodies joining. The building friction and heat becoming something that experience had no control over as both were reached their end quickly. Soon Ed tightened around Roy's swollen cock coming from the friction of being trapped between the two bodies. Pressing his forehead against Ed's shoulder, Roy followed with a low moan.

The room fell into near silence. Only the sounds of ragged breathing occupied the space. Passion fulfilled allowed reason to return. With a small groan Roy pushed himself off the bed to retrieve a cloth. His body longed to curl up beside the blonde on his bed, but the thought of waking to a sticky mess convinced him to move. The quick chore of clean up completed, Roy moved to lie beside the blonde.

Ed shifted seeking out his partner. Once he found Roy he burrowed into his arms seeking out contact.

Roy held Ed in his arms and smiled running a hand through his long golden hair. This is what he had hoped for. The partner Maes could never be.

Snuggled up close together, Ed's mind brought to light the only smartass statement it could. Ed toyed with it realizing that it would be some time before he would stop thinking about ways to annoy or irritate Roy. But it was a serious as question as well and that nagging thought pushed it out of his mind and past his lips, "You know, this could mean the end of your career."

Roy's hand stopped in its projected path down Ed's long strands hesitating only a moment before completing its trek. He should be worried. Everything he's worked for could come tumbling down into an irreparable heap. And yet he couldn't find in him to give a damn, "I know."


End file.
